Reflecting on Loss and Legacy: Memories of a Father Figure

I went back and forth about whether to share this, but last week, a man we once called “Papa”—my mom’s ex-husband, passed away. I hadn’t seen him since I was sixteen, the last time being with mylate brother, Lambert. He had also become a Pastor by then... who would ever think that I would end up marrying one?

Kee Kaibetony

I was eight years old when my mom adopted me, not long after their divorce and the death of their daughter Bryanna… grief broke our family.  She asked me what last name I wanted to carry: Kaibetony or Banks.

I remember thinking “Kaibetony” would be too hard to spell forever and didnt have the same “ring to it” as Roicia Banks, and that they would be divorced soon so I chose Banks. My mom kept her last name, and because of that, we now have the “Bernice Kaibetony Scholarship.”

Being cut off from people you love because of adult conflict you don’t fully understand as a child leaves an ache that lingers for years! But through it all, our mom never spoke ill of him. She gave us the gift of forming our own understanding of life and relationships, she didn’t taint our view of who he was to us.

Some people come into our lives for a season to love us, to care for us, to teach us something. But seasons change. People grow apart, life moves on, and sometimes they invest in what’s easier or closer to them. Reconciliation after years of silence can feel nearly impossible under the weight of grief and shame.

Thankfully, I had a chance to reconnect with him briefly while he was in hospice. I wanted him to see the woman I had become—all that I had accomplished… “without him”. But do you know what brought him the most joy? That I was married to a man of God and met Jesus early.

At the end of our lives, our resumes and accolades won’t matter to God. What will matter is how we treated others. Did we make things right with those we hurt? Did we help others find peace in Yeshua? Did you know that shame, grief, secrets, envy, and bitterness we carry can manifest as sickness and sometimes cancer in your body?

If I’m honest, many of the things I’ve worked so hard to achieve were driven by the pain of that early abandonment. I was determined in high school to graduate at the TOP of my class, just to be able to say, “Me and MY Mom did it without you.”  

Guess who now shares this SAME story?

I see those same patterns of pain in my husband’s daughter, Kaira. The same wounds of absence and longing, with a mother who refuses to swallow her pride and ego, initiate, or cooperate. I have no doubt Kaira will go on to do great things, just like I have. My husband and I watched her graduate last week, live on YouTube with no invitation. I know it must have felt like a real slap in the face to a man who always had been a beautiful example of a father to a daughter. It was a privelege to witness him be such a great father to her. His intentional and heartfelt parenting changed my whole mind about having children! He adored her. From what I saw, he showed up for her, he protected her, he dated her on a weekly basis for years. I quickly understood that the little girl in me would have loved a relationship with my fathers. This relationship was different...

My husband has attempted to reinstate daddy daughter dates, texts, calls, and in person reconciliation that was always met with malice and misguided anger, only to be rejected, and further pronounced dead in her mind. But that is the point, to continue to inflict pain and suffering upon him for not choosing their mom. This is a familiar story and rationale for my own childhood pain... I still have hope that she will realize sooner than later with a mature and independent mind, that love and reconciliation has always been on the table and that this life is truly a vapor. It is unknown how many conversations were had between our Papa and our mother without us and about us. I don't know what was said about visitation or phone calls. I find peace understanding that things were different back then, such as long distance calls! Do you remember how much money it cost to make a phone call with a different area code?!

I also know the cost of letting loyalty to old pain stand in the way of reconciliation. I lost almost 30 years with someone I once called Papa, because of underlying LOYALTY and taking on my mom’s pain of HER divorce AS MY OWN, it kept me from healing sooner.

I pray these cycles of abuse and manipulation will stop. Not just with our family, but with everyone's families. That is why it is so important to unpack your life, heal, and to find true peace, so you can stop operating in pain. I pray that we all find peace, love, and truth in God's timing.

If this was your last lesson for me as a father, I forgive you. I humbly ask your forgiveness Papa, and thank you for the short life we once lived as a family.

Rest In Heaven, Papa.

Roicia, affectionately known by you as "Wisha".